Boys Will Be Boys
by SDazzled
Summary: Jasper and Emmett go shopping. Please keep in mind that this is Jasper and Emmett, shopping with them is never just shopping. Somehow they manage to find the one store that will drive Edward insane...mwahahahaha.
1. Boredom

One of the worse things about being a vampire was definitely the boredom. Things could get very repetitive; it was only exciting when some new invention came along or when something really unexpected happened. Unfortunately things were usually mundane and dull; we were all doomed to an existence of monotony.

Today Emmett and I had decided to stay home, neither of us wanted to go on the school trip- the idea of walking around a museum was just irritating: I had lived through most of those events, and if they weren't exciting then they sure as hell weren't exciting now.

Both Emmett and I were sitting on the sofa...well, technically Emmett was only leaning against the sofa- he had his legs up and his head on the floor, watching TV upside-down.

"Jazz, we should do something." He was using his annoying voice, the one he reserved for when he was bored, _really_ bored.

"Yeah... we should, any ideas?" I already knew what they would be, so I didn't really pay much attention.

Emmett reached for the TV remote without disturbing his position. "We could do the usual: hunting, wrestling, or destroy some of Edward's things."

His mood was starting to really affect me; sometimes Emmett could be so lazy. "Nah... Let's do something different- something that doesn't result in Edward throwing a hissy fit, that boy gets more and more dramatic as time goes on."

Emmett gave a quiet laugh- just another indication of how lethargic he was feeling. It was getting on my nerves, we had to do something before the boredom really got to me and I did something rash, like watch _America's Next Top Model. _

"Em, get up, we're going shopping." I said, as I put on my jacket and went to retrieve the car keys. I tossed Emmett the keys to his jeep and we were in the car within seconds.

I was surprised that Emmett hadn't complained- shopping was not one of his favourite activities, he preferred manly things: anything that involved him destroying, wrestling or winning was fine with him. Usually I would have agreed, but I thought that we needed to do something more relaxing... and we couldn't really risk breaking another piece of furniture or Esme might decide that she no longer had need for two extra sons.

"Jazz, why are we going clothes shopping? Don't you think it's enough that your Mrs. drags us to the mall nearly every week?" He asked... actually, he practically screamed it- he had turned the music on so loud that I could barely hear his voice.

"Oh Em, how little you have learnt." I shouted back. I can't believe he hadn't caught on to the possibilities. "We aren't going clothes shopping. We are just going to find something to amuse ourselves with."

Emmett nodded. I didn't know if he was accepting my explanation or if he was just moving his head to the beat. I think it was probably the latter.

The mall was like a second home to us. All the shop assistants knew us by name, so as soon as we entered a store they were prepared with baskets and trolleys- they knew how Alice liked to splurge. But today was different, without my little Alice here we were probably not going to get noticed, we were usually the ones in the background carrying bags and bags of shoes anyways, and that was good- I wanted to shop in peace.

"So Emmett, where do you want to start?" I asked, I was feeling a little bit like a lost child- usually Alice was the one that told us where we went and when we went there; not having her here telling me what to do was... odd.

"Umm..." I could sense that he was feeling just as disorientated. "Electronics, definitely electronics."

We took the escalators to the third floor where all the manly shops were located, along with some other stores that we never visited. Alice had said that the third floor was boring, so we rarely went there.

The electronics store was enormous, but it seemed that Emmett already knew exactly what he wanted. He went directly to the IT section.

"Do you need a new laptop, Emmett? Didn't you just get a new one last week?" I asked.

He scowled at the laptops in front of us. "The last one beat me at Solitaire. What was I meant to do? Take it lying down? Hell no!" I could feel him getting angry just at the memory of his constant rival... _the computer_. "It's not my fault they make these things so flimsy."

I just grinned and left him to his own devices. I went to look at the new cell phones and then at the game consoles. I was just about to go look for Emmett when I heard his booming shout coming from the DVD section, but more importantly I could feel his excitement.

"Oh. My. God. Jazz? Get your butt here and look at this." He called out. Obviously everyone in the store was now staring at us but it didn't really matter, they were just feeling curious or annoyed, not suspicious.

"What is it Emmett? Did you find something interesting?" I asked, as I reach his side.

He just pointed. He looked stunned.


	2. Evil Genius

In front of us were _The 40 Year Old Virgin_ poster and DVD.

We looked at each other and smiled...let the fun commence.

"Jazz, we have hit the Jackpot." He was jumping up and down like a child who had just won his first wrestling match. "Just look at that catch phrase 'The longer you wait the harder it gets' Doesn't it remind you of someone?"

"Emmett, please tell me that you are thinking what I think you're thinking." My face had by now erupted into a huge grin.

"Damn right I am! Now we only need to replace 40 with 108 and we have a perfect present for our little brother. Oh, he is gonna kill us. I can't wait." His excitement was building and I couldn't help but add to it.

"You are a genius Em, an evil genius." I grabbed a copy of the DVD but I didn't really know how many posters to get. "Do you think ten will be enough?" Emmett looked at me like I had lost my mind. "Yeah, better make it twenty."

The person at the checkout looked calm but I could feel that he was both surprised and amused. I tried to control a laugh, I hadn't expected shopping to be this much fun.

As we left the store Emmett was contemplating what we could do with the posters, we settled on just putting them up... of course, they would contain a few minor adjustments. After our scheming was done we decided to separate to see if we could find any more 'interesting' material. Unfortunately I was coming up empty- nothing. All the stores just had clothes or shoes, there wasn't anything that could further our plan to torment Edward.

I was looking at some other DVDs, hoping to gain some inspiration, when my phone rang.

I answered."Hey Emmett, come across anything good?"

"Jasper, you are needed on level 3. Go back to the electronics store, when you get there take a right, walk past Mc Donald's, and then turn left." Emmett's voice was very controlled. _Oh, this is gonna be soooo good._

"Be there in two." I shut the phone and hurried to meet Emmett. I hope I was just walking fast and not at vampire speed.

When I got to where I was meant to meet Emmett he was nowhere to be found. Had I got it wrong? Wasn't it: store, right, McDonald's, left? Yeah, I'm sure it was. I suddenly felt Emmett nearby. I turned around to see him walking towards me swinging a black thing around his index finger, and he was wearing his most mischievous smile: the one he held back for special occasions only, or when he was about to do something so wrong that it would likely get us ripped to shreds- this time Edward would probably be the one doing the ripping.

"Jazz, please put this blindfold on, and close your eyes as well, just in case." By his expression and relaxed emotions I could tell that he was hiding something from me.

I did as he asked. I was eager to find out what silliness he came up with. "Why exactly are you making me look like a moron? And where did you get this from?" I was starting to lose my patience, curiosity was eating me up inside.

"Be patient, little one... you shall be rewarded for it." I couldn't help but laugh, Emmett was using his posh English voice. He was great at nearly every accent but his posh English one was particularly good; it wasn't just hilarious but it annoyed the hell out of Edward. I would remind myself to use it at some point.

Emmett had been guiding me for twelve seconds before we came to a halt.

"Ok, you can remove the blindfold."

My mind went blank. But soon enough all the space was taken up by possibilities.

"NO WAY! A sex shop? How- why- how?" I opened my mouth trying to form coherent sentences but it was no use, I was just too ecstatic. Alice had never taken us here...

"Em, I love you, man. There isn't a better brother out there." I impulsively gave him a man hug.

Emmett let go of all his feelings and a great surge of nearly euphoric emotion hit me.

"Oh, Jazz. I'm so happy." He said as he punched the air with both fists. " This right here," he pointed to the store, "this is what we have been looking for... what are the chances of coming across something like this when we're plotting Edward's downfall? Come on lets go, I don't want to waste time." He grabbed my arm and led me into the store.

**Thanks for reading... the next chapter is my fave, hope you like it also.**

**Please review and let me know what you think :D**


	3. Chicken and Feathers

The shop was covered from floor to ceiling with anything and everything that anyone could possibly want to embarrass their nearest and dearest with. It wasn't a sex shop, no; it was a Lets-Destroy-Edward's-Sanity shop. I felt kinda mean picking on Edward, but we were his big brothers, it was our duty to torment him, and of course, we had to do our duty, it was rule number five in the 'Being a Cullen' handbook - always do your duty, and do it with a smile. We sure as hell would be doing it with a smile this time.

There were all types of sex toys, costumes, underwear, DVDs, and some weird and wonderful things that I didn't even know the name for. This wasn't the first time that either Emmett or I had entered a sex shop... which wasn't surprising considering how old we are, but this was the first time that we had total embarrassment as the main purpose of our visit.

"Ok, I think we should start from left to right, picking up anything that can give Edward a heart attack and make Slinky blush for the rest of her life." Emmett had picked up two baskets, ready for battle.

"Slinky?" I said as I picked two baskets up as well.

Emmett nodded and explained. "Yeah, Slinky. It's my new nickname for Bella: she's silly, fragile, can't really do much and you can't help but laugh when you see one tumble down the stairs."

Emmett's mind was brilliant, simply brilliant.

We began to make our way through the store. The two assistants were staring at us; they must have liked what they saw because I felt the rapid development of their emotions: first annoyance, then curiosity and then full blown lust. I thought about changing what they were feeling so that I could concentrate on the task at hand, but decided against it. Heck, we were in a sex shop, lust was appropriate.

"Jazz, we need to get them some naughty costumes." Emmett was already going through the rails.

"Agreed, but which one exactly? Ooo, what about this nurse's outfit... look it even comes with a hat." I held it up.

Emmett just shook his head and continued sorting through the other outfits. "Nah...that's more Esme's style."

"Thanks for the mental picture Emmett. That's really gross, you know. She's practically our mother." I started to scowl but his big laugh cut me off.

"Look, I've found the perfect one."

He held up a lioness outfit. It had a tail, ears and fluffy cuffs.

We erupted with laughter, clutching our bellies and leaning against each other for support.

_When Edward sees that..._

I tried to speak through gasps. "That's...that is...Oh my God...put it...in the ...Oh geeze... in the basket."

Emmett took a big breath to try to calm himself down. "Oh man, I love this shop."

We tried to control our laughter but every time I looked down at the basket I just burst out laughing, and then, of course, Emmett had to join in.

"Jazz, please. Have some control." He said between laughs.

I nodded and swapped baskets with him so that I didn't have to look at the costume.

We looked around for a few more minutes, grabbing everything within our reach. By the time we were done with the left side of the store our four baskets were full. We chucked everything in: flavoured condoms to last the normal human three life times, candy underwear- for him and her, handcuffs, a fluffy blindfold, matching black leather dog collars, sparkly nipple tassels, every kind of massage oil available, three different types of whips, and a male thong with a squeaky toy at the front.

We put our full baskets at the counter and went to get some more things. We still had the right side to explore.

Unfortunately the right side wasn't as much fun as the left. It was just books and normal lingerie.

Emmett picked up one of the books of the shelf and started flicking through it. I did the same.

Emmett was looking at a book called _What's the difference?_

"Jazz, what's the difference between erotic and kinky?" A smile was starting to creep into Emmett's face.

"I have no idea, Emmett. What's the difference?" I answered.

"Erotic means you use a feather, but kinky means you use the whole chicken." Somehow he managed to answer without bursting into laughter.

I laughed so much that even the shop assistants were in hysterics. So, obviously, we had to get Edward the book, feathers, and a rubber chicken just in case he wanted to switch from erotic to kinky.

After paying for all our excellent purchases we decided that it was time to go home, in about two hours Edward would be home and Bella would undoubtedly be with him. We needed time to prepare.

In the car we planned our attack.

"Emmett, we need to think of something to keep Edward out of our minds when he arrives. I think some of his favourite songs are in order, don't you?" I was back to shouting, Emmett refused to turn the music down.

Emmett wasn't just nodding this time; he was practically dancing in his seat. "Yeah... you know how he's always loved _Sex Bomb_; I think I'll sing it for him." He screamed.

Damn, but the music was contagious. I was now nodding along too. "Ooo, that's a good one. I think he'll prefer _Baby got back_, if I may say so."

"We'll give him the concert of a life time, Jazz."

_I'm sure Edward will appreciate it... _

_

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_The chicken joke isn't mine. My brother's best friend told me that, I thought it was funny and decided to include it :P

**Please Review. I really want to know if you thought this was funny or a bit meh. Thanks for reading :D**


	4. Masterpiece

Back at the house we began setting things up. The posters were now modified; they had Edward's face on it, as well as his age in the title. We put them up, covering every bit of exposed wall. Then we threw the thousands of condoms on top of his bed, emptied all his shelves of CDs and replaced them with our purchases, putting the lioness costume right at the front. By the end, Edward's room looked like a sex shop. It looked even better than the one we went to today- Emmett had changed the lighting, replacing the normal bulb with a red one. We also put some music on standby, at first we couldn't agree on the song but we finally settled for _Push It_- very tasteful. I pocketed the little stereo control to press play at the right moment.

We took a step back to examine our masterpiece.

Emmett was pretending to scratch his chin in a thoughtful way. "Hopefully Mr. Know-it-all will like it. Do you think we should leave intructions? He is a virgin after all."

That made me chuckle. "Are you saying we should pin a piece of paper with _Please Insert Here_ on Bella?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."

I shook my head, still laughing. "No, I think that if we went that far he would make the Volturi look like little kittens. Lets leave some of his sanity intact."

Emmett was not happy. "Fine! I'll leave a little bit intact, but only because you're making me."

We went down stairs to watch TV and wait for what was about to be one of the very best moments of my life. After an hour I could feel Emmett getting impatient.

"Jazz, shouldn't they be here by now?" Emmett asked as he lay sprawled on the floor.

I didn't even need to answer it- at that precise moment we heard Edward's Volvo. Both our heads snapped up.

"Jazz, get ready to sing." We both stood up.

A few minutes later Edward and Bella came into the living room, hand-in-hand. I started singing in my head...

_I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can't deny that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get SPRUNG..._

I could hear Emmett singing quietly under his breath.

_Sexbomb, sexbom you're my sexbomb, you can give it to me when I need to come along._

Edward knew something was terribly wrong.

_Oh what it must be like to be in his mind right now..._

"Jasper, Emmett? What have you done?" Edward was suspicious, as well as he should be, but there really wasn't any excuse for bad manners.

"Hello to you too, Edward. Hi Bella. How was the trip?" I tried to calm Edward down but I could still feel that he was going to explode... in more ways than one. It took all my self control not to burst out laughing.

Bella looked a little bit puzzled, but still answered. "Umm, it was good. Very interesting."

Emmett was a doing extremely well at holding back his chuckles. "That's nice. Nothing exciting happen, then? No new gossip? Didn't anyone get caught kissing behind the bus? Humans can be so naughty sometimes, don't you think?" He didn't give them a chance to answer. "Oh, what a shame. You know something Jazz?"

I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak again.

"I do believe that I'm rather peckish" He had slipped into his posh English accent. "Would you care to join me for a spot of dinner, brother dearest?"

I mimicked his accent. "That sounds simply delightful. We shall be back in a jiffy."

We linked arms as we walked out, leaving a perplexed Bella and a very worried Edward behind.

Emmett closed the door silently.

We stood in front of the entrance and got into Olympic style running positions.

One. Two. Three.

We could hear them on the stairs.

Four. Five. Six.

They got to the landing.

Seven.

Edward reached for the door. I pressed play.

Eight.

Edward's curses could be heard for miles.

Nine.

He was running down the stairs.

Ten.

"Leg it, Em!"

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**So, that was the last chapter. I would love to know what you thought about it or what your opinions were on the story as a whole. **

**Thanks loads for reading and please review :D**


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